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Sons-in-Law: need advice -
June 12th, 2010, 05:16 PM
This might seem like a strange place to ask for advice, but I know there are a lot of brilliant minds here at ToL, so I thought I'd pick your brains.
Here's the problem:
Two of my daughters are married and so I now have two sons-in-law. I love them both and do my best to treat them like my own sons. One is 22 and the other is 25. They are great guys and have professed their faith in Christ. The problem is, they really don't seem to like each other. When they are together, there is an underlying tension that I try very hard to alleviate.
It's so weird! One will try to reach out to the other, and they end up snubbing each other. For example, one might offer to buy dinner, but the other will turn him down just for spite. This goes back and forth between the two of them. I know they are immature in Christ, but that makes me sad. I think if they could get past this "fleshiness" they could maybe become good friends.
Should I just sit back and wait for them to grow up? I don't want to alienate them or make the situation worse. Any suggestions?
For you, brethren, have been called to liberty; only do not use liberty as an opportunity for the flesh, but through love serve one another. For all the law is fulfilled in one word, even in this: “You shall love your neighbor as yourself.” But if you bite and devour one another, beware lest you be consumed by one another!
Galatians 5:13-15
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June 12th, 2010, 05:24 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Prisca
Should I just sit back and wait for them to grow up? I don't want to alienate them or make the situation worse. Any suggestions?
Unless things really get out of hand, it is probably best to let these two guy works things out. Otherwise, they may expect for you to choose sides which is a position you shouldn't have to be in.
Unless things really get out of hand, it is probably best to let these two guy works things out. Otherwise, they may expect for you to choose sides which is a position you shouldn't have to be in.
Thanks, Rusha! You're probably right. My husband has talked to the older of the two and he seemed to take it to heart. It's hard, though, to watch two young Christian men treat each other like this. It's especially difficult for my daughters who are very close. I know they would love to do things together as couples, but that just isn't something that is enjoyable for them right now.
For you, brethren, have been called to liberty; only do not use liberty as an opportunity for the flesh, but through love serve one another. For all the law is fulfilled in one word, even in this: “You shall love your neighbor as yourself.” But if you bite and devour one another, beware lest you be consumed by one another!
Galatians 5:13-15
For you, brethren, have been called to liberty; only do not use liberty as an opportunity for the flesh, but through love serve one another. For all the law is fulfilled in one word, even in this: “You shall love your neighbor as yourself.” But if you bite and devour one another, beware lest you be consumed by one another!
Galatians 5:13-15
I'd try to encourage any good interaction they might have and ignore any future tension, as much as possible.
Families are difficult some times, but also worth the effort necessary.
Eucharist [thanksgiving] is the state of the perfect man. Eucharist is the life of paradise. Eucharist is the only full and real response of man to God's creation, redemption, and gift of heaven. - Alexander Schemann
Thanks, Rusha! You're probably right. My husband has talked to the older of the two and he seemed to take it to heart. It's hard, though, to watch two young Christian men treat each other like this. It's especially difficult for my daughters who are very close. I know they would love to do things together as couples, but that just isn't something that is enjoyable for them right now.
Your husband needs to explain to both of them at once that like it or not they are family now and have to not only get along but watch each others back.
Their uncles to each others children and going to hang out every Christmas, Thanksgiving, Easter, 4th of July, labor day, Birthdays, weddings, Funerals, ect. So grab a beer, put on a happy face and learn to accept what you cannot change.
Draw them a picture of a tree with their names on some branches, take them outside and show them a tree and ask them how silly it would be if two branches on a tree didn't get along.
Ask them if at their age are they ready to be at least as smart as wood.
Then spray them with the garden hose again.
Thanks SoJ and fool. I've seen glimmers of hope, but they always seem to dwindle. When my younger daughter had a miscarriage a few months ago, the older son-in-law went out and bought beautiful roses for her. I know he felt really sorry about what was going on. And last month, the younger son-in-law served all the food at the wedding for the older one and my other daughter. I just wish there was a quicker fix.
As a woman, I'm sure I have a harder time understanding the head butting that goes on between young men. Thanks for your insight, guys!
For you, brethren, have been called to liberty; only do not use liberty as an opportunity for the flesh, but through love serve one another. For all the law is fulfilled in one word, even in this: “You shall love your neighbor as yourself.” But if you bite and devour one another, beware lest you be consumed by one another!
Galatians 5:13-15
We had the same thing to deal with between two daughter-in-laws, son-in-laws I can understand, but daughter-in-laws?
After a while I had enough of back and forth not quite arguing and condescending attitude. We took the two of the out for lunch, and explained that their behavior was eroding our family foundation and it needed to change.
I told them, that they didn't want any regrets if one of them died, and because of not taking the opportunity to mend their fences "together." That if either of them lost their husband, that they'll need each other for support. That they were more than a daughter-in-law, they were like daughter's and they are setting examples for their families. It took about a month, now the gloves are off the fences are mended, the glass wall is removed, things are much better. That has been about 15 years ago.
I would say exercise patience, and encourage the boys to want to be a better men.
Mrs Psalmist and me will be praying for you all.
.....O LORD my God, in You I put my trust. Psalm 7:1
.....To You, O LORD, I lift up my soul. Psalm 25:1
Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around. ~ Leo Buscaglia
That sounds awful, especially if you like them both.
Do you think by any chance it has to do with sister rivalry being expressed through the husbands? I mean, I'll take my fiance's side even if I don't quite agree with it... I feel I need to back her up. Sometimes that comes up with her siblings and family (much to my chagrin).
Or are they just "I want to be on top" guys? Or just not get along...?
Let them know that you value them as family and that the most important thing for you is to have a happy and cohesive and supportive family.
I'm really interested to find out how this progresses or pans out. And I'm sorry it's going on.
Family can be so bizarre.
I guess if you have to, the hard-line you could take is "Whatever's going on with you guys, we don't want this around us... If you have a disagreement, please don't bring it to the Thanksgiving table..." Or whatnot.
"There was so much handwriting on the wall that even the wall fell down"
"In the long run of history, the censor and the inquisitor have always lost. The only sure weapon against bad ideas is better ideas. The source of better ideas is wisdom. The surest path to wisdom is a liberal education." – Alfred Whitney, Essays on Education
Don't you know
That it ain't a crime
If all the squares
And the junkmen
Think you're out of line
Thanks Psalmist! The rivalry is definitely between the guys. My daughter's have discussed the problem. They are aware of it and even joke about it privately, but I know they wish things could be different. Your prayers are greatly appreciated!
For you, brethren, have been called to liberty; only do not use liberty as an opportunity for the flesh, but through love serve one another. For all the law is fulfilled in one word, even in this: “You shall love your neighbor as yourself.” But if you bite and devour one another, beware lest you be consumed by one another!
Galatians 5:13-15
Ignoring it is condoning it, way to bury your head in the sand.
That's a good point! We certainly don't want to condone it.
Quote:
Originally Posted by fool
Families automatically become historical and biological fact once DNA has mixed.
Maybe things will be different when they have children...or maybe they will get worse.
For you, brethren, have been called to liberty; only do not use liberty as an opportunity for the flesh, but through love serve one another. For all the law is fulfilled in one word, even in this: “You shall love your neighbor as yourself.” But if you bite and devour one another, beware lest you be consumed by one another!
Galatians 5:13-15
And I'm praying and thinking of you... Hoping it'll sort out: Which it SHOULD!
Family & friends = Maybe the most important things we have in our lives.
"There was so much handwriting on the wall that even the wall fell down"
"In the long run of history, the censor and the inquisitor have always lost. The only sure weapon against bad ideas is better ideas. The source of better ideas is wisdom. The surest path to wisdom is a liberal education." – Alfred Whitney, Essays on Education
Don't you know
That it ain't a crime
If all the squares
And the junkmen
Think you're out of line
Also, keep in mind that "the family" can be kind of scary for many folks marrying into a family (rational or not)... They might feel they need to "rebel" against it. Even if that's unconscious.
"There was so much handwriting on the wall that even the wall fell down"
"In the long run of history, the censor and the inquisitor have always lost. The only sure weapon against bad ideas is better ideas. The source of better ideas is wisdom. The surest path to wisdom is a liberal education." – Alfred Whitney, Essays on Education
Don't you know
That it ain't a crime
If all the squares
And the junkmen
Think you're out of line
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