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"I'm about to charge up his base like you've never seen!"

Mr. Bragg had carefully waited until the moment he could give Trump the biggest political boost to push forward with an indictment. "Check and mate, libs," laughed Mr. Bragg as he pulled on a MAGA hat. "I've already put in my request to be Trump's Transportation Secretary, I hear it's super easy. 2024, here we come!"

After lawyers of every political allegiance agreed there was no criminal case against Trump over hush money paid during his 2016 campaign, Mr. Bragg knew taking the hopeless case was his big chance. "The optics of Democrats indicting, even handcuffing Trump on charges that have no chance of sticking - what more could the Trump campaign ask for?" said MSNBC's Rachel Maddow. "Mr. Bragg might be the most brilliant Republican strategist this century. He's playing chess while the rest of us are out here playing checkers."

At publishing time, Governor Ron DeSantis was wondering what sort of crime he needed to be indicted for to keep pace with Trump.
 

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Trump of these charges right away so that we can see what's in them," said Pelosi. "Trump has many pages of charges that are probably horrible and we just don't have time to read them all. Doing it this way is much more efficient!" Pelosi's statement was then interrupted by her teeth getting stuck in an ice cream bar she was eating.

Sources speculate the list of charges against Trump includes paying hush money to a stripper, colluding with Russia to overthrow the United States government and usher in 1000 years of darkness, and being really yucky and Trump-like. "We don't need a list of charges to know that Trump is guilty of being Trump," said Pelosi. Let's get this over with already."
At publishing time Manhattan's DA had announced 3,000 additional pages of charges were brought in at 1 AM in the morning.
 
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