"I wish to apologise to all women who were denied a varied and stimulating married life because of the Holy See's mindless insistence that they be locked into their reproductive cycle without contraception, and indeed to all of humanity for the contribution this dogma has made to poverty. I am very sorry for my inability to overcome the mindlessness of dogmas to recommend condoms for married couples where one is HIV positive. I acknowledge that while the Roman Catholic Church goes on and on about the sanctity of life, frankly it knows nothing at all about the value of life.
I'm sorry to the democratic peoples of countries throughout history whose Catholic leaders were tacitly threatened with excommunication if they didn't sign a Concordat with the Holy See that undemocratically diverted resources to our advantage.
When I asked who I was to judge gay people, I feel I didn't go far enough. What I perhaps should have said was that, if any two consenting adults wish to express their love in whatever way they choose, then only an unworthy god would disapprove - there is precious little love in the world as it is.
On the question of child abuse in the church, what I should have done was to open all archives and fire any official or priest who failed to report all suspected abuse to police or attempted in any way to dodge legally binding compensation judgements. That might at least have done something to stop the serial child rapists who have been moved from parish to parish.
There is much more misery that this church could own up to than I have time to apologise for today.
I will now be dissolving the Holy See and turning the 'Vatican' suburb of Rome over to the Italian people. For too long now we have used our UN status as a 'country' to hide our criminals and others' too. I will be ordering the bulldozing of the grotesquely opulent St Peters, and all the other structures around it except the Sistine Chapel, which will remain a monument to the brilliant gay man who painted it. The cleared grounds will be converted to an international childrens' park, dedicated to the children of all ages who have suffered under our fascism. No priests or brothers will be allowed on the site.
I am now leaving this creaking monster of a church and hope to live up to my humanitarian ideals, but will do so without the inhumane dogmas, the silly hat and the shoes from the Wizard of Oz."
- Jorge Bergoglio (the former pope 'Francis'), speaking on a bus to reporters, Calcutta, 2017.
