When a loved one passes...

[truthjourney]

I'm not sure if this is the right place to post this...and the rest. I guess I should have posted it in religion.
I wasn't going to post on this but it is so much of what is going on in my life right now and maybe it will help me to post about it.
My daughter passed less than two weeks ago. She had not spoken to me about her wishes as far as funeral arrangements etc. She didn't want to talk about that but instead wanting to keep fighting, trying again and always smiling through it all.
I had to make some tough decisions while she was in ICU when the doctor said I had to come to a decision. She is divorced and has been many years. I was the one she designated to make these decisions. The night before I had to tell the doctor my decision, she pulled out her feeding tube and continually pulled out the vent tube. I was there with her and saw this. ...The next day when she was awake and aware I asked her if she wanted to be taken off the vent tube and she nodded. I asked again and again she nodded. ....Her eyes had already changed in ICU. They had a glassy look. She was clearly suffering and didn't want to be on any life support anymore. She didn't want to suffer. So I told the doctor to take her off the vent. She was moved to another room without any kind of life support but with strong pain and anxiety meds. Then she was able to rest and sleep without suffering...She was in that room for a week more or less before she passed away. I was right there at her side. She passed peacefully in her sleep.
I had spoken to my son and niece about handling the funeral arrangements beforehand. We weren't able to come up with the money for a funeral and so she was cremated. We planned a memorial service for her and since she was a Christian, all I asked was that a Christian minister speak at the service. Her exhusband and my granddaughter who are pagans took over those plans and got a pagan minister to speak at the service who thanked the "spirits". ....I didn't go to this service.
Then there was the issue with her ashes. I had never had the experience with cremation. I didn't want her cremated in the first place but she was. So I had planned to have a service for her and to do a scattering of her ashes with a Christian minister present who was going to speak a few things. Well that didn't happen either. Again others objected and took over.
My niece, who my daughter confided in a lot, told me just within the last few days that my daughter told her that she wanted to be cremated but that she didn't want her ashes to be divided up and distributed like "souvenirs".
It has been an emotional roller coaster for me. The depth of my pain and sadness and heartbreak is beyond words.

Eccl. 12:7 Then shall the dust return to the earth as it was: and the spirit shall return unto God who gave it.
1Thess. 4:13 But I would not have you to be ignorant, brethren, concerning them who are asleep, that you sorrow not, even as others who have no hope. 14For if we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so them also who sleep in Jesus will God bring with him.
1Pet.1:3 Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who according to his abundant mercy has begotten us again unto a living hope by the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead,...

 

[Lon]

My heart goes out to you. My step-father of about 30 years, passed nearly the same, after battling long and hard with Alzheimers. I believe you can still have a memorial, no problem. Contact your pastor and invite Christian friends as well as any who might wish to attend. It can be in a park, at home, at the church or the like. Generally, you'd pay the pastor for his time, but he would do it, regardless.

Perhaps, ask the pastor to do a short memorial after one of the services, perhaps the Sunday Evening service.

At the very least, ask the pastor to spend some time with you for prayer and memorial and ask him to provide strength and courage to you as well as scriptures that give peace and hope.
Joh 11:23 Jesus said to her, "Your brother will rise again."
Joh 11:24 Martha said to him, "I know that he will rise again in the resurrection on the last day."
Joh 11:25 Jesus said to her, "I am the resurrection and the life. Whoever believes in me, though he die, yet shall he live,
Joh 11:26and everyone who lives and believes in me shall never die. Do you believe this?"
Joh 11:27 She said to him, "Yes, Lord; I believe that you are the Christ, the Son of God, who is coming into the world."

 

[truthjourney]

My heart goes out to you. My step-father of about 30 years, passed nearly the same, after battling long and hard with Alzheimers. I believe you can still have a memorial, no problem. Contact your pastor and invite Christian friends as well as any who might wish to attend. It can be in a park, at home, at the church or the like. Generally, you'd pay the pastor for his time, but he would do it, regardless.

Perhaps, ask the pastor to do a short memorial after one of the services, perhaps the Sunday Evening service.

At the very least, ask the pastor to spend some time with you for prayer and memorial and ask him to provide strength and courage to you as well as scriptures that give peace and hope.
Joh 11:23 Jesus said to her, "Your brother will rise again."
Joh 11:24 Martha said to him, "I know that he will rise again in the resurrection on the last day."
Joh 11:25 Jesus said to her, "I am the resurrection and the life. Whoever believes in me, though he die, yet shall he live,
Joh 11:26and everyone who lives and believes in me shall never die. Do you believe this?"[/sCOLOR]
Joh 11:27 She said to him, "Yes, Lord; I believe that you are the Christ, the Son of God, who is coming into the world."

Thank you Lon. That is still a possibility that her pastor can do a short memorial service for her. I haven't given up. He was going to speak at the scattering.
Thanks for these scriptures. They are very comforting for me at this time.
John 11:25 Jesus said to her, "I am the resurrection and the life. Whoever believes in me, though he die, yet shall he live, 26 and everyone who lives and believes in me shall never die. Do you believe this?"

 

[zoo22]

I'm so sorry to hear about your daughter.

I hope that you are able to shake off some of the complications and details of the services. I think what ultimately matters is that you're left with the love of your daughter, without anything or anyone ever cluttering the memory. But I can understand wanting things resolved in a way that sits well with you, so I hope that her pastor will be able to say a few words. Sometimes those small gestures can be the most important.

It's heartbreaking to read your post and to think of the sadness you must feel. I hope that you have some people around for you.

 

[truthjourney]

I'm so sorry to hear about your daughter.

I hope that you are able to shake off some of the complications and details of the services. I think what ultimately matters is that you're left with the love of your daughter, without anything or anyone ever cluttering the memory. But I can understand wanting things resolved in a way that sits well with you, so I hope that her pastor will be able to say a few words. Sometimes those small gestures can be the most important.

It's heartbreaking to read your post and to think of the sadness you must feel. I hope that you have some people around for you.

Thank you. I'm trying to shake off the complications and details of what was a pagan service for my daughter who was a Christian. It's not easy. That was just added heartbreak and pain for me. And I feel that it was disrespect to my daughter's memory.
I have told the family that I'm done with the issue of the ashes. They can fight among themselves all they want to about it. Now that I know what her wishes were about the ashes, I want no further part of anything to do with that.
Yes I'm left with the love of my daughter and nobody can take that away from me.
I've wanted to be left alone pretty much since she passed. But there are other things that has happened that even made that impossible. So it seems I can't even grieve in peace...
It's been good being able to come to this forum many nights when I couldn't sleep. Even though I may not have posted, I would read posts and it helped me somehow to make it through some very hard nights.

 

[annabenedetti]

She didn't want to talk about that but instead wanting to keep fighting, trying again and always smiling through it all.

How good to have that memory of your daughter, always smiling.

I'm so sorry for your loss. My heart goes out to you. But how good it was that you were able to be at your daughter's side, and what a great comfort for her, to know you were there with her. And I'm sorry for what you've gone through in the last couple of weeks that has complicated your grief, but regardless what others do, there's reassurance to be found in knowing that you honored the final wish that she was able to communicate to you, so she was able to pass peacefully with the comfort of knowing that you'd asked and listened, and honored, and loved.

Grieving is different for every person. Please take good care of yourself, and you'll be in my thoughts and prayers.

 

[Rusha]

I am so sorry for your loss. You are your family are in my thoughts.

 

[truthjourney]

How good to have that memory of your daughter, always smiling.

I'm so sorry for your loss. My heart goes out to you. But how good it was that you were able to be at your daughter's side, and what a great comfort for her, to know you were there with her. And I'm sorry for what you've gone through in the last couple of weeks that has complicated your grief, but regardless what others do, there's reassurance to be found in knowing that you honored the final wish that she was able to communicate to you, so she was able to pass peacefully with the comfort of knowing that you'd asked and listened, and honored, and loved.

Grieving is different for every person. Please take good care of yourself, and you'll be in my thoughts and prayers.

She was certainly a fighter. There are many in the family who said that she was an inspiration to them. She also wanted to take care of others. She was in an out of the hospital for the last five or six months. She had courage and determination as well as great faith.
I'm thankful that she was able to communicate her wishes to me at that time. Because that wasn't the decision that I had in mind to tell the doctor. And I'm thankful that it was her decision and not mine.
I have lived with my daughter for a few years. The next big hurdle, that's what it feels like, is finding a place to move to and packing. I know too that it is going to be very hard and painful for me when it comes to deciding what to do with my daughter's things. I have spoken to my granddaughter about that and told her to let me know what her wishes are in that regard.
I could probably take better care of myself. I'm not really thinking of myself right now though. I know I need to take better care of myself.
Thank you so much annabenedetti and thanks for the prayers.

 

[truthjourney]

I am so sorry for your loss. You are your family are in my thoughts.

Thank you so much Rusha. Yes a very great loss for the whole family.

 

[annabenedetti]

She was certainly a fighter. There are many in the family who said that she was an inspiration to them. She also wanted to take care of others. She was in an out of the hospital for the last five or six months. She had courage and determination as well as great faith.
I'm thankful that she was able to communicate her wishes to me at that time. Because that wasn't the decision that I had in mind to tell the doctor. And I'm thankful that it was her decision and not mine.

I'm very thankful for you that you didn't have to make that decision, that she made it very clear for you. You were both taking care of each other. I think your courageous and inspiring daughter must be very much like you.

I have lived with my daughter for a few years. The next big hurdle, that's what it feels like, is finding a place to move to and packing. I know too that it is going to be very hard and painful for me when it comes to deciding what to do with my daughter's things. I have spoken to my granddaughter about that and told her to let me know what her wishes are in that regard.
I could probably take better care of myself. I'm not really thinking of myself right now though. I know I need to take better care of myself.
Thank you so much annabenedetti and thanks for the prayers.

That will be hard and painful. I hope that with the pain will come many good memories to comfort you and bring you peace.

 

[truthjourney]

I think your courageous and inspiring daughter must be very much like you.

That's very kind, thank you. She was beautiful inside and out.

 

[truthjourney]

My daughter's birthday is coming up soon and it will be a hard time for me without her here.



This song describes my daughter's courage and determination that she showed and she never gave up and kept smiling.

Reach

 

[annabenedetti]

My daughter's birthday is coming up soon and it will be a hard time for me without her here.

She was beautiful inside and out.

She was absolutely beautiful, indeed, truthjourney. Just lovely. And knowing from what you've shared, such a beautiful heart and spirit, just like her mom.

Please know that you're often thought of in these difficult days, and I send you much love.

 

[glorydaz]

My daughter's birthday is coming up soon and it will be a hard time for me without her here.



This song describes my daughter's courage and determination that she showed and she never gave up and kept smiling.

Reach

My heart goes out to you, dear one. A beautiful song and a beautiful daughter. May the Lord bless and keep you on this journey.

 

[Angel4Truth]

My daughter's birthday is coming up soon and it will be a hard time for me without her here.



This song describes my daughter's courage and determination that she showed and she never gave up and kept smiling.

Reach

I just saw this, and my condolences to you - my prayers are with you and may He comfort you and keep you, youre daughter was very beautiful. I understand how hard it is at certain milestones, i lost my son almost 3 years ago now.

 

[aikido7]

I'm not sure if this is the right place to post this...and the rest. I guess I should have posted it in religion.
I wasn't going to post on this but it is so much of what is going on in my life right now and maybe it will help me to post about it.
My daughter passed less than two weeks ago. She had not spoken to me about her wishes as far as funeral arrangements etc. She didn't want to talk about that but instead wanting to keep fighting, trying again and always smiling through it all.
I had to make some tough decisions while she was in ICU when the doctor said I had to come to a decision. She is divorced and has been many years. I was the one she designated to make these decisions. The night before I had to tell the doctor my decision, she pulled out her feeding tube and continually pulled out the vent tube. I was there with her and saw this. ...The next day when she was awake and aware I asked her if she wanted to be taken off the vent tube and she nodded. I asked again and again she nodded. ....Her eyes had already changed in ICU. They had a glassy look. She was clearly suffering and didn't want to be on any life support anymore. She didn't want to suffer. So I told the doctor to take her off the vent. She was moved to another room without any kind of life support but with strong pain and anxiety meds. Then she was able to rest and sleep without suffering...She was in that room for a week more or less before she passed away. I was right there at her side. She passed peacefully in her sleep.
I had spoken to my son and niece about handling the funeral arrangements beforehand. We weren't able to come up with the money for a funeral and so she was cremated. We planned a memorial service for her and since she was a Christian, all I asked was that a Christian minister speak at the service. Her exhusband and my granddaughter who are pagans took over those plans and got a pagan minister to speak at the service who thanked the "spirits". ....I didn't go to this service.
Then there was the issue with her ashes. I had never had the experience with cremation. I didn't want her cremated in the first place but she was. So I had planned to have a service for her and to do a scattering of her ashes with a Christian minister present who was going to speak a few things. Well that didn't happen either. Again others objected and took over.
My niece, who my daughter confided in a lot, told me just within the last few days that my daughter told her that she wanted to be cremated but that she didn't want her ashes to be divided up and distributed like "souvenirs".
It has been an emotional roller coaster for me. The depth of my pain and sadness and heartbreak is beyond words.

Eccl. 12:7 Then shall the dust return to the earth as it was: and the spirit shall return unto God who gave it.
1Thess. 4:13 But I would not have you to be ignorant, brethren, concerning them who are asleep, that you sorrow not, even as others who have no hope. 14For if we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so them also who sleep in Jesus will God bring with him.
1Pet.1:3 Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who according to his abundant mercy has begotten us again unto a living hope by the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead,...

I am shocked and saddened to hear about your daughter. I can't even imagine what you are going through.

The problems after her death will only add to your grief as a father, and I pray that Jesus can walk beside you now.

I used to work closely with end-stage cancer patients and their families.

In this sad world of ours, sorrow comes to all.

--Abraham Lincoln


"For grief has darkened my eyes: my body is like a shadow... My days fade like an echo; the strings of my heart have snapped."

--the Book of Job


"Nights of anguish. Inconsolable sisters, why did I not kneel more to greet you, lose myself more in your loosened hair?"

--Rainer Maria Rilke


"What was so terrible about grief was not grief itself, but that one got over it."

--P.D. James

"I get up. I walk. I fall down. Meanwhile, I keep dancing."

--Hillel the Elder, a Jewish rabbi in Jesus's time.

Our hearts and prayers are with you!

 

[Rusha]

My daughter's birthday is coming up soon and it will be a hard time for me without her here.



This song describes my daughter's courage and determination that she showed and she never gave up and kept smiling.

Reach

You are in my thoughts, Truthjourney.

 

[truthjourney]

She was absolutely beautiful, indeed, truthjourney. Just lovely. And knowing from what you've shared, such a beautiful heart and spirit, just like her mom.

Please know that you're often thought of in these difficult days, and I send you much love.

Yes these are difficult days. This has been a very hard year for me in more than one way. Thank you Anna.

 

[truthjourney]

My heart goes out to you, dear one. A beautiful song and a beautiful daughter. May the Lord bless and keep you on this journey.

Thank you glorydaz.

 

[truthjourney]

I just saw this, and my condolences to you - my prayers are with you and may He comfort you and keep you, youre daughter was very beautiful. I understand how hard it is at certain milestones, i lost my son almost 3 years ago now.

My heart goes out to you. Thank you Angel.